oooh goodness...

well, philville has been nagging me about updating this damned thing, so i suppose i will. well, what's new in alissaland? a whole hell of a lot. let's start at the very beginning. . .
i have made random trips to the e.r. due to a chronic pain in my side. chronic as in i could hardly walk and was completely incapable of lying down without bursting into tears. i ended up missing ridiculous amounts of classes and falling very far behind in everything. anyhow, they thought that it was my gallbladder. . . lies. all of those tests came back clear. so, the worthless doctor at the sru health center gave me some sort of acid reflux medicine? yeah, of course that didn't work either. so, i have an appointment next week to schedule more tests and hopefully something good will come of it.
also, i have a job. i'm a fantastic pizza hut waitress. the tips aren't too good, but i suppose i don't have much to compare it to since i've never waitressed before. i absolutely adore everyone i've met there and it's a pretty good time. i look forward to work a lot because it's a complete break from thinking about how far behind i am in everything.
i got a new car, 2005 silver civic. i wrecked my new car into my roommate's one night. yeah, that was cute. i'm paying for everything and she was ok with it.
everyone tells me that i am in the bitchiest mood ever lately. to tell you the truth, i have absolutely no idea why. i've been totally exhausted because i've been having far too many late, late nights and i suppose that could have something to do with it.
ashley and i are in the middle of a fight right now. it's all pretty ridiculous in my eyes. i apologized to her face yesterday for hitting her car and for being such a "bitch" lately, but her response was (well, totally expected from her) completely unnecesarily bitchy. so, being my overly-nice self, i wrote her a letter further apologizing for everything and asking her forgiveness for whatever i'm doing that's pissing her off so much. wouldn't you guess she isn't even talking to me. . . even after that. i am not usually one to take my own side in a given situation, i am more of a person who tries to see everyone's point of view and at least respect it. but, i can't seem to do that in this situation. she's so used to being the upperhand in our friendship while i just sort of hang out and go with the flow, she doesn't realize how much it kills me to throw myself out there and sincerely apologize without getting even an ounce of decent respect back from her. i suppose you'd have to hear the entire indepth explanation of everything to understand the whole situation. . . it just breaks down into:
1. i am far too nice
2. ashley is far too mean
3. ashley is used to me being far too nice
4. i am about to explode.

on a positive note, i spent 5 hours in the library last night and upwards of 2 hours in my apartment studying for an exam and an inclass discussion paper that i had to present today. i was a little wired on "red alerts" from sheetz all night, but i managed to get compliments from people in my class on my discussion paper and i am relatively certain that i completely dominated my exam. that made me pretty happy. . . so i suppose i'm going to be spending another night in the library trying to pull the same thing with the rest of the work that i have due this week so that i can finally get myself caught up in my classes.

my nice little reward for all of the nonsense that i've been going through is a trip with gregg to allegheny college tomorrow night to see Ben Folds and the Fray perform. downside to that is, the tickets say that it is totally and absolutely necessary to have an allegheny student id to get into the show. obviously, gregg and i don't have those. . . so it's relatively up in the air whether or not we'll actually get in. that should be an adventure though. anything with gregg is always an adventure.

oh, i am completely, head-over-heels in love with that kid. i have absolutely no idea in the entire world what i would do if i didn't have him by my side through all of this. sitting with me in the emergency room, staying at my place until my pain decreases and i can finally fall asleep, answering my ridiculous amounts of phonecalls everyday about absolutely nothing, counseling me about this ashley situation. it's all absolutely remarkable and so greatly appreciated.

anyhow, philville, i hope you enjoyed.

death becomes her

oooh, not so much interesting in my life except my little near death experience (which doesn't compare to tom's at all, but it was a crazy time in alissaland). welp, i was flagging at work for about a half an hour after sitting in an airconditioned truck all morning long. anyhow, i was, you know, doing my thing and all of a sudden everything started to fade to black, and i thought to myself "uh oh, i can't read my sign, i wonder which side i have facing traffic...oooooooh no" and i completely collapse and wake up with penn dot workers surrounding me. after a few moments they opt to take me to the nearest truck to sit down. as i'm crossing the road...woops, completely collapse again. when i come to and finally make it into the truck i couldn't breathe (strangest thing ever) and my arms were ridiculously sore. anyhow, i get taken to the hospital and my blood pressure was 70/52. . . which is apparently absolutely horrible. turns out i have something called syncope and have to get my head examined (cat scan or mri, i don't remember) to make sure that i don't have epilepsy. fantastic, ay? that's my bit of interesting for the moment. hope everyone is doing well

so long sweet summer. . .

looks like this summer ought to be over before it even gets half way through. i started working as a flagger for penndot last week. best and easiest job that i could ever imagine in my entire life and i kick myself often for almost not taking it. i work 40 hour weeks and i won't be seeing my first paycheck for a month. . . so, although all of my time is occupied with work, i won't be seeing the benefits of it for what seems like forever. also, the brakes on my car went to hell. it just got out of the shop and it turns out that there are 6+ things wrong with it and i shouldn't drive it anywhere other than to work and back because my brakes have only been fixed enough to last for a limited amount of time (nice to hear, huh?) and they could go awry at any moment. so, no more trips north for me for awhile. that's such a huge disappointment. . . it seems like any friendships that i had back here hardly exist anymore. don't get me wrong, it's not that i don't still have friendships. . . it just looks like what's going on is the awful result of growing up and growing apart.
pardon me for the relatively depressing paragraph. i'm in this awful state of melancholy because i like a boy from up north who doesn't pay enough attention to me and it makes me sad about twice a day, haha.

haven't updated in awhile

anyhow. . . to explain the last post a bit, mike and i are broken up. we've discovered a new low also. . . sending each other messages on myspace. just when you think that a break-up can't get any worse than text messages or AIM. hahaha. i suppose that if that's how immature we were, it wasn't worth it anyhow. if i look at it any other way chances are i'll go crazy, so i like to laugh about it and then justify it in a way to make myself feel a little better.
so, i'm missing this tom kid a lot. (jason, i miss you too, haha) i'm used to having him around and spontaneously giving him a call when i am in washington or bentleyville just to meet up and spend a little time together. i really wish that i hadn't waited so long to start appreciating all the little times that i spent with that kid. (here i go talking like he's dead). anyhow, tom. . . i love you greatly and miss you muches, so give me a call sometime and tell me about this wonderful colorado that you've always entertained me with stories and expectations about.
summer sucks a lot and i don't even have a job until june 13th. yeah, it's really cute sitting here all day and being a slave to earn money from my parents, haha. oh well. . . i ought to be appreciating this ridiculous free time to myself a little more. i'm sure that i'll be longing for it sooner or later.
also, i am celebrating because my skinny pants are tooooo big! WOO! at least sitting around here usually results in crunches until my stomach feels like it's bleeding and jogging until i pass out. haha.

yep, that's me so far this summer.

ha

so much for that love thing

exhausted

so, i got to dog sit all weekend long. 2 labs, a poodle, and a baby yorkie. could've been the most exhausting thing, ever. probably got only a few hours of sleep if i can even say that much. i imagine that having a child ever in my life is completely out of the question. if i had to deal with the spontaneous smell of hidden shit one more time, chances are i would've drop-kicked my yorkie and then punted my poodle out of the window.

only 10 more days of classes left, my goodness. that's CRAAZY to me. i made it through my FRESHMAN year of college. wow. here's what i've gained from it:

1. the best roommate for me that could ever exist. we have nearly everything in the world in common, and what we disagree on, we're both open-minded enough to respect about each other. i can tell that she's the type of person who i could've grown up with and been best friends with my entire life.
2. the best future roommate, ever. funniest girl ever.
3. as you can see from the last 2, i made friends with girls. i'm sure that i sound terribly cliche when i say that i am the type of girl who just gets along with boys better...but it's completely true. 95% of the people who i would call in any time of desperation are boys and now i've been exposed to girls who are completely and totally awesome and who have nearly banished any close-minded-"i don't get along with girls" ideas that were in my head.
4. an experience with marijuana. well, a HORRIBLE experience with it. but, i survived and am quite aware that i don't want it anywhere near me or in my life.
5. i've learned how to ask for help when i need it. i took control of a haunting habit on my own and am as recovered as i could possibly be rather than more consumed than ever.
6. i can eat now :) this sort of connects to the last point.
7. i've learned how to be responsible. i started out the year collapsing my personality and turning into some sort of careless, whiskey loving idiot and ended up completely recognizing that i was nothing like myself and turned that around. the atrocious phone bills, also. i've just learned that my parents cannot always bail me out and that sometimes i am going to have to pay for obnoxious and irresposible mistakes that make.
8. i've reached a point of acceptable closure with my ex-boyfriend. he came back into my life for a brief time and i realized that i was completely over him. i explained to him everything that i blamed on him and how he affected me....but then i also realized that he wasn't to blame for any of it. everything that happened was all my fault and i just like to toss blame elsewhere. but, i forgave him and forgave myself.
9. i have the best friends in the entire world. they've gotten me through some of the worst things that have ever happened to me and the most awful situation that i could ever put myself through, and for that i am eternally greatful. to tom, jason, and ryan('cause i know you read this sometimes) especially, thank you three in ways you've never been thanked. i wish my vocabulary were impressive enough to let you know how greatly i appreciate you.
10. i'm not so bad. i put myself down a lot, but i'm not so bad at all. i've noticed that i'm extremely flexible and i love myself for it. i'm friends with the "punk-rock" party kids, the girls who were referred to as "trashy whores" but are so much better than half of the people i know, the christians, black folk, slutty-dressing beer lovers, and jocks. i just enjoy walking to class with a girl wearing abercrombie who spent 45 minutes curling her hair, and waving hi to a guy with a black leather jacket and a mohawk. anyhow, i'm not so bad.
11. lastly, for no particular reason, i found love. absolute love. mike and i never had to go back to each other...it could've resulted the same way that seeing joe played itself out...but it didn't. it's just something that is wonderful to have in my life. i've never been so sure of someone...never NOT wanted to run away...never NOT doubted how someone felt towards me. it's just great to have.

that's my first year at slippery rock in a nutshell. it was great, and i know that i made the right decision coming here because of how it turned out. i hit so many rough spots and was at so many lows that i wanted to just to die....but i've realized how important each of those moments are and that i made it through all of them.

only 10 days and 4 finals away from 4 months at home. mmm. i had an interview at PacSun this past weekend. haha, we'll see how that turns out. i think that's all that i have in me for now. if this posting pattern continues, the next time that i post will be into summer, mmm.

eh. . .

philville asked me to post and that made me happy, so let's see where it takes me.

first, tom, if you need a cool girl to talk or vent to, you know i'm here. i'm very much a talker, but i can double as a good listener now and then. and even if i am awful at it, i'd like to try.

anyhow, i started counseling yesterday. counseling for things that i'm sure anyone who knows me well enough could figure out. it went well...i enjoyed having someone to listen...someone who wasn't already bias to things that have already happened in my life. i have 3 more appointments for march and i imagine that it's exactly what i need anymore. i'm feeling completely overwhelmed with the same emotions/feelings/insecurites that led me to my counseling-worthy problems. i'm strong enough to push them aside for now, but i'm not too sure how much longer i can keep my focus. i'm not sure why everything is hitting me this strongly right now...but, i'm hoping that these appointments are going to help me figure it out, even if only a little bit, which is better than not at all. i think that my fear of being alone is branching out further than just with boyfriends. i've noticed that when i am left alone (even when someone as minor as my roommate isn't around) and i have time to think about myself and whatever is going on for me right now, i freak out. i get anxious and nervous and have to battle with all of this nonsense in my head. i can't really explain the "nonsense" in a clear enough way that someone else could imagine what it's like. i tried talking to my counselor about it, but i just kept stuttering and not being able to find the words to describe it that could even make it seem less than a cliched thing from some awful movie.

i'm beginning to think that i am internally depressed, if that even makes sense. outwardly i am the most positive person that anyone could encounter; i love to make everyone feel as happy and wanted as i possibly can...but when it comes to myself, i hate everything about me. not a shred of confidence or encouragement for myself. i let other people's feelings about me determine my outlook on myself. here's how it works from what i can gather: i give everything in the world that i can to my friends to make them happy. but, my actions are completely selfish; if they don't do the same in return, i beat myself up over it and feel worthless. i realize that's a terrible way to approach life and i need to learn to be happy with myself and whatnot....easier said than done, i suppose.

i don't know...as excited as i am about going home, i am very much fearful of a lonely, 2 a.m. trip to the kitchen and the fact that i feel like the state of mind that i've been using as a crutch for the past few months is walking out on me. well, i suppose that this is just alissa at her worst. my apologies to those who read this.